Friday, August 27, 2010

Next steps & moving on....

Well, this is the last day of my official non-working life in baby-land.
Next week I start working from home, before I officially go back to the office on Sept. 7th. The baby-moon is over :( Real life must now begin.

While I have to admit, I HAVE missed going downtown, and the hustle and bustle of it all, I am not thrilled to go back to work, it's just something that has to be done. I have met and know lots of moms who say they actually looked forward to going back to work, and that they were ready. Well, I can honestly admit that I actually could stay at home, if things were different. I know what has to be done, and I fully accept it, and I actually have good things happening at work, so I'm going back to a totally positive situation. I am LUCKY to have a job, as so many struggle with unemployment each day. That, and the fact that I know I'll be able to give Elise a good life, keep me going.
If I think too much about not being at home and playing with her all day, it will destroy me, so I must think positively. For her sake and mine. I must believe everything will work out just fine.

Next week we have our final meeting with daycare before we begin. I have a few concerns and worries, I'm hoping this adjustment period for Elise goes okay. I don't know if it's normal for every baby to need to nurse so much, but she can be a fussy baby sometimes, and so nursing is my way of comforting her, whether she's hungry or not. I do try and walk around with her, bounce her, swing her, talk to her, etc but sometimes all she wants is to nurse. Soon though, she will not have me to nurse her all day long or when she needs it. I will be giving the day care bottles of milk, but what if she's not hungry-how will they soothe her? It just makes me worry and I hate that I'm not going to be there to fulfill her needs. Another thing that's bothering me is routine.
We have no routine, really.
I have been letting baby lead the way, and when she needs to eat, she eats. When she's tired, she sleeps. I started reading all these baby books about setting schedules and it literally makes my head spin. Am I a bad parent because I'm going back to work with no set schedule in place for my baby? She usually goes to bed for the night around 9 or 10, and I'm working on 9 being the norm vs. 10 because I want her to get the most sleep she can at night. But I don't follow any kinds of nap schedule during the day. I'm sure this works out okay for stay at home moms who can let baby lead but what do moms who work outside the home do for this? I'm assuming day care will put her on a schedule, is that bad to assume? Ugh. I just haven't liked any of the schedules that I've read about so far, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, I'm nervous about this big change in our lives and hoping (praying) the adjustment is good for us both. I hope they give Elise all of the attention she deserves. :( I know some moms do not get as much leave as I have taken and I should be grateful that I had 12 long weeks with my baby to bond, etc but it still feels so short sometimes. I must be confident in my choice and know that plenty of moms work outside the home, and that we will be okay.

I've also been wondering why I didn't do this sooner, and how amazing it really is, this parenting thing. I can't believe I thought something else mattered more than this.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

2.5 weeks remain

Yep, you heard me correctly, only 2.5 weeks remain of my maternity leave.

What an amazing journey this has been and it's only just beginning. I look over at my baby and she looks completely different to me than the teeny tiny 7 pound newborn from just a couple of months ago. Elise is now 9.5 weeks old and weighs 11 pounds! The pediatrician said she is doing so great, and that she is in the 75th percentile for her length and head size. She is 23.5 inches long!

I am so sad to be leaving her very soon, but the good thing is that we have every day of the rest of our lives to be together. And good things are happening with work, so I know I am making the right decision for our family.

We also had Elise's baptism on Sunday. It was important to us to have it early and before I went back to work. Going to church, prayer, etc is a big part of our lives and we wanted Elise in on it as soon as possible. :) She's been going to church with us since week 1 so why should we hesitate?

Sometimes it feels like Elise was never NOT in my life. I've become so accustomed to being her mommy that I can't remember what life was like without her. It just feels so RIGHT and the timing of everything was so perfect. I definitely am loving this new chapter in my life and I can't wait to see Elise grow and thrive. To see her take her first steps, to talk to me, to eat something her Daddy prepared, to teach her to read and to LOVE music like her mom and dad, and to teach US things we never knew we needed to know.

Life is great as this new family and I couldn't ask for more at this moment.

Each day is a blessing.

I hope and pray for it to always be this way.

Monday, July 26, 2010


So here we are, at the halfway point of my maternity leave. I can't believe I'll be back at work in 6 weeks. It's gone by so fast. I have been treasuring every minute with my new daughter and while it will be difficult going back to work and leaving her all day, I get this little person in my life FOREVER which makes me smile and forget about how hard it will be. She and I have been bonding so much, and really getting into a good routine. I haven't read a lot of books about dealing with infants (most of what I read was about DURING pregnancy and how to deal w/childbirth) so a lot of this has been a learning experience for me.
I have been doing some reading online about routines and getting into a set schedule with your baby. For the most part, we have been just letting baby dictate the schedule and it has worked just fine. However, since I have to go back to work soon, getting a schedule in place is going to become more of a reality for us. One thing I have tried to do is when baby gets up in the middle of the night to nurse, I don't say a word to her or turn on any lights (unless I have to change her diaper, then I turn on the small light near the changing table) and I don't take her out of the nursery. What I was doing previously, was taking her out of the nursery or letting her sleep wherever she ended up. The new routine, involves moving her directly to the crib at night, and if she stirs or wakes up, nurse her back to sleep and leave her in the crib. I did this the other night in Kokomo as Matt's parents have a crib in their spare bedroom for Elise's cousin Ashlyn, who stays the night there frequently. Elise woke up twice to nurse and went right back down to sleep in the crib afterwards. Last night we tried this again, Matt moved her to the crib around 10 pm and she woke up at 2 and 4:3o to nurse. I woke up at 8 this morning and she was still fast asleep! If this had been a workday for me, I would have had to wake HER up!! I think it's working out great so far, but of course I'm sure she'll hit another growth spurt soon and throw this whole theory out of whack for me, lol. I just feel like the crib is a good, safe, secure place for her, where her neck and limbs won't be all sore like they would sleeping in the car seat or bouncy all the time. Plus the crib was a big investment, the mattress, bedding, etc was not cheap-let's get some use out of it! I think the problem before with the routine we were doing was that I would go watch TV, get on the computer while nursing and before you know, I had lost 90 minutes of sleep whereas now, Elise nurses quickly and gets right back into the crib and sleeps. I hope this lasts. We'll see how it goes!
I'm also a little concerned about how the routine will change once she enters daycare. I hope they don't let her sleep all day...then I won't get ANY sleep at night!! Remind me to ask about that... :)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Settling into Motherhood

Things are finally starting to settle down over here at the Kanable household.
Elise kind of has this routine going where she's awake most of the day, then settles into sleep around 9 or 10 at night, waking up once or twice in the night and back up around 7-7:30. Although right now she's fast asleep in the sling because I took her out in it when I walked Bijou, so I'm sure the movement against my chest lulled her to sleep.
As for me, I'm absolutely loving motherhood. I love looking into my baby's eyes and seeing her gazing right back at me. If I'm lucky, I will get a smile too!
The past couple of weeks were a little tricky however, as we struggled a bit to have Elise regain her birth weight. We have been to the pediatrician's office numerous times for weight checks, and on week 3 or so, Elise was still not up to her birth weight. We tried everything too, I took Fenugreek (still taking it), drank the Mother's Milk Tea, ate more, drank more water, tried not to stress, tried to get rest, I just think for some reason Elise was not getting enough nourishment from me. And we're talking round-the-clock nursing here, she was ALWAYS eating and I was never away from the couch to get up and do anything! Reluctantly, I supplemented with a little formula, and now Elise is above and beyond her birth weight, at 8.5 lbs! To be honest, I never thought I'd be one of those people to resort to formula and it still makes me cringe that we couldn't exclusively breastfeed, but I also could not stand seeing my baby starving and deprived of nourishment. I have even been pumping to supplement with my own milk so that she could get less and less of the formula because I'd much rather have Elise feed from me. However, pumping has not been entirely successful either. I only get a tiny amount when I pump, so I've had to wait a day or two to get enough for a 2-3 ounce bottle. This worries me because I will be going back to work after Labor Day and how is my supply going to magically produce enough milk to leave with her caregiver?! I have heard that supplementing with formula dwindles your supply, but I feel like I never really had a big supply to begin with. Anyway, long story short, we are working on this and I don't consider us over the hurdle yet, but we are doing all we can to make sure my milk is the majority of what she gets. It is more important to me, though, that my baby eats, regardless of how it may hurt my pride. I can't beat myself up about this because it's not healthy.
SO, aside from that minor setback, things are great. We have been getting out of the house more and more with our daughter, taking her to birthday parties, restaurants, street fairs, farmer's market, church, etc. It is finally starting to feel like summer to me as I was getting SOOOO fed up with sitting around the house all day!! We are settling in quite nicely over here and I hope to have lots of good news and reports in the weeks/months/years to come! :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Elise's birth day

So per my doctor's orders, an induction it was. I have to admit I was disappointed that baby did not come on her own, but work/schedule wise for Matt and myself, this was the best possible option if I wanted my husband to be there with me on the big day. I don't think either of us had even considered that baby might not come on time!!
We went in on Friday, June 11th to Prentice Women's Hospital at Northwestern. We were greeted by a friendly nurse who unfortunately wasn't with us very long before we got a new nurse (This was to be a running theme, I can't count how many nurses I met over these 3 days!!), and the pitocin was started. I think they had me at a 2 or a 4 at this point. I got an IV of fluids and then we wait. This was about 9am. Soon after, my parents arrived about 10 or 11 and we watched some of the Hawks parade on TV, and various other programs. The hospital had this great movie channel where we could watch movies like Time Traveler's Wife, It's Complicated, etc. So basically at the beginning it was a lot of waiting around, for something to progress. I was only dilated at 1cm when we got to the hospital, so I knew it was going to take some time. I can't remember what time it was, sometime either late morning or early afternoon, I received the CRIB foley catheter, which is like a balloon that dilates your cervix. It was rather annoying having yet another item inserted and taped to my leg--made going to the bathroom rather interesting!! So the thing with the CRIB was that you either have it for 6 hours and it does the trick, or you have it for 6 more hours for a total of 12. It wasn't going to be checked again until 5pm so I was really hoping for the 6 hour check to have worked. I remember watching Jeopardy with my parents around 3 and then requesting a liquids food tray because by that point I was starving!! That chicken broth saved my life!!
At 5pm the CRIB was checked and my cervix was at a 3 or 4. They removed it and I breathed a sigh of relief. Soon thereafter, my water was broken and the pitocin was kicked up a notch, this time to about an 8? My sister and her husband arrived around 5 ish I believe, and I started to feel some pretty intense contractions. I remember each time they would come on, I would double over in pain and think about how much longer I had to sit with these before it would even be time to push. I let the contractions go on for probably longer than I should have before folding and requesting the epidural. I had wanted to try going without but since I had all these other artificial unnatural devices jammed inside me or in my veins, I thought, why not just do it? The epidural was rather painful, I hated that part so much. I was having contractions during the process so it was pretty unbearable. Once it was in however, I felt much better and while I was unable to get up and move around, I was happy to have the pain subside. The only thing I had to deal with now was the insanity of back labor. Whew, that stuff is intense. The epidural only made it worse I think!! At this point the pitocin was about a 10 and my cervix was doing it's thing, getting ready for me to push in a few hours. I think at 9pm the nurse told me I would probably start pushing around midnight. At 1am, and 9.5 centimeters, the pushing began. I have never felt time move so slowly yet so quickly all at once. With my mother, my sister, Matt and a swat team of kick-ass nurses, we pushed and pushed for an eternity. Matt had the I-Pod set to some Grateful Dead shows and we just focused on the task at hand. The nurses and everyone was telling me how great a job I was doing and that we were really making progress. I felt so empowered and confident by everyone's positive feedback, yet questioned if they were just being nice or if I was really getting somewhere!! After a few hours went by, I started to feel just slightly defeated. If I was doing so well, where was the baby?! Luckily, her heart rate stayed steady and baby worked with me to stay healthy while momma did her thing. I wanted SO badly to deliver vaginally, I pleaded with the nurses not to give up on me and turn me into a c-section delivery. They complied and said I was doing great and they saw no need to go that route given the circumstances. Praise God! Sometime at the 4-hour mark of pushing, with almost no end in sight, the lights turned bright and the OB made her appearance. I knew we were close! It was all so surreal. Then with one final monstrous push, I felt the release, and Elise Faith Kanable was born at 5:18 am on June 12, 2010. She weighed 7 pounds and 10 ounces, 21 inches long. She was absolutely perfect. When they brought her to me I couldn't believe I had just given birth to this precious being. My heart swelled with love and all we could do was stare at her. It's so amazing, how we'd gotten to know each other for 9 months while she lived inside my womb and now here she was, living outside, her first day on Earth.
I just have to say, it was all worth it. The pain, the long labor, the hours and hours of pushing....I can see why women do this again and again, there is really nothing like it once you see that child's face.
After recovering for an hour or two in L & D, we were wheeled on up to the 13th floor for postpartum. Baby roomed in with us the whole time, and it was awesome to spend that time together as a little family until it was time to go home. After ordering some pancakes and bacon, I finally got some rest :)

Since last week, we have been slowly adjusting to this new lifestyle and getting accustomed to life with a newborn. There have been plenty of sleepless nights, but also many tears of joy and hours of gazing at our daughter's face and myriad expressions. I can't believe how different our lives have become, but I welcome this change and know that it is such a blessing and honor to have this person in our lives. We're a family now, and everything we do, we do together. As I type this I think it is time to go feed her so I must cut things short. I hope one day she wants to hear the story of her birth, as I will never tire of telling it.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Ok, now we're into JUNE!

June 1, I can't believe it. I am so excited to have this time off, I know it is just going to FLY by, so I'm planning on enjoying every moment. I sure hope the baby comes soon though, it's not quite the same sitting here alone-that wasn't the point :) I have another dr. appointment tomorrow so I'm hoping some progress has been made. I don't feel any different. I have been feeling those tiny contractions that happen for a split second. They usually happen when I'm walking around but now they'll happen randomly when I'm just sitting on the couch! I just hope I don't have to be induced, that would be such a disappointment to me, probably even more than a c-section. I just want labor to happen naturally. I'm also starting to get really nervous about being in a hospital, like I'm wimping out and should have just done this on my own, at home. It's not a medical procedure, it's something that occurs naturally to human beings and I'm worried I won't be able to speak up for myself when things start to get pushed on me and I won't have time to react or think about if it's what I really want. Especially because I'm nervous and will want the baby out and probably end up going with the flow, despite what my heart feels.
I just wish I knew when this baby was coming, it's all I can think about. Every move now is so calculated depending on when she might arrive, or can we go do this or that activity and what if I go into labor? Matt and I went to the grocery store this weekend and started to plan meals and I'm thinking, what if we aren't able to get through the week and we have wasted all this food sitting in the fridge while we're in some hospital? I can't help thinking like that, I just do, it's where my mind goes.
I'm sure everything will be fine, no matter what, but I just want it all to be so perfect and I know that is a dream scenario.

So here is my letter to baby, hoping this will inspire her to arrive this week :)

Dear precious baby girl,

We are getting so excited and anxious for you to join our home. Friends and family are calling and wondering if there's been any news. Everyone wants you to arrive here safe and sound and is so excited to meet you, you have no idea.
Mommy and Daddy have all your clothes ready, your room is all ready and there is so much love pouring out of this house for you already. All we can talk about is how much our lives will change with you here and we are SO looking forward to that. Daddy can't wait until you are big enough to help him cook dinner with him and while I know that is several years away, he is already talking about it! We are so happy and blessed that you are coming into our lives and we can't wait to share all that we are with you.
So come when you are ready (but we're really hoping it is soon :)
You will be a June baby, and your birthdays will be so much fun with this warm weather!! Mommy is especially excited and fortunate to have some time off from work so we can get to know each other better.

We love you dear little one and can't wait to see what day you choose to enter our world.

Mommy and Daddy Kanable

Sunday, May 23, 2010

38 weeks-final stretch

It's been brought to my attention recently that I haven't been blogging anymore during this pregnancy. Most of that is related to the fact that I have been extremely busy at work, then when I get home, I am usually so tired, plus weekends are usually pretty packed.

I can't believe the end is almost here. I don't think we could be anymore ready at home. We've got the bag packed, the car seat in the car, arrangements made for the pets, etc. I'm really hoping the baby does not come this week as I want to finish up some things at work, but I know it's not up to me, and I have to just allow nature to take it's course. Matt of course is ready, but he doesn't have to do all the work, lol! I have to admit I haven't been that nervous about childbirth until recently too...I just don't know what to expect and every time I feel a little pang or contraction, I have to wonder if this is the real thing? And how much worse is this going to feel?

Luckily since I've been so busy at work, I haven't had a lot of time to dwell on the pain or childbirth itself, so that's good at least. I can't read any more books, learn anything more, etc. I just have to let it go and see what happens now!

I am looking forward to having a lot of one on one time with this new addition, and just overall very curious to see who she'll look like, me or Matt? Will she have dark hair like me? Will she have Matt's eyes? Whose features will she take on? It's all so exciting and thrilling and amazing. I just can't believe it's almost over and soon there will be a baby in my arms after all this time....

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Lately I've been having these thoughts of just not being good enough.
I am guilty of comparing myself to others at times and taking a good hard look at what I'm doing or where I"m going vs. where others may be.
I know everyone's different and I shouldn't do this but sometimes I just can't help it.

A few people I know are pregnant right now as well.
They have names picked out and cribs set up, and rooms all ready. And then there's me.
I want to be like that, so prepared and planned. I usually AM that way. But for some reason I feel like I'm falling behind on so many things. I had no idea there was so much to prepare for and plan for and calls to make and classes to attend and shall I continue?!
It's definitely harder when you have a full time job to do all of this, but I think I manage.
Sometimes though, I compare myself and feel like I'm falling short. I just want to be the best I can at this, and I'm hoping my procrastination and slacker- tendencies is not a sign of things to come.

Last week I attended a seminar on vaccinations. It's the first of several classes I wish to take on childcare, including breastfeeding and the general childbirth classes we will take at the hospital.

I know how many friends feel about vaccinations and their safety, etc. but I just have to know what is right for ME and my child. I walked away from that seminar feeling very prepared for what shots babies receive and when and how much. I don't think I'm going to turn away every vaccine at every chance I get. It might be okay if I was staying at home with the baby all day, keeping her free from harm's way, but that is not the reality that I live in. My child will need to attend day care, and be around other babies and children who may potentially get her sick and vice versa. I struggle with this because I want to do what's right, but I also need to see the bigger picture too. Anyway, I feel that going to this seminar at least gets me up to speed and informs me on what choices I do have, and that was important for me.

I don't know, I guess I've been struggling a lot lately with comparisons and being good enough. One of my cousins who I hardly ever see, unfortunately because we do not live close by, gave me some good advice-she said "Trust your instincts" and "Do what YOU feel is right." I know I needed to hear that, because I need to listen to that inner voice more and know that we are all different, and the way we do things is not all the same. I've been told so many different opinions from various people about what to do and what not to do, and I just can't hear it anymore. (Unless I ask for the advice, LOL!) We can't expect every person we know to be the same, and do things the way we do them, and so I am just going to trust my gut and go with what I feel is right. For EVERY major decision that I have coming up in these next 3 months, and for the rest of my child's pre-adult life.

Sigh. I hope I can do it.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Embracing Change

I don't embrace change well, in case you didn't know that about me.

Being content with the way things are, however unorganized or out of place, I tend to just go with the flow and try not to stir the pot too much.

However, I have a baby coming, and this time, CHANGE is inevitable.

The first changes we are experiencing in our house are the changing of rooms, making room for baby. After living this way with just two people for SO long, you really come to realize how much stuff you accumulate and how much you hold onto, however unnecessary. The things that are taking up space in my home and in my life, are sometimes hard to say goodbye to, but I know in my heart they must be done. In order to bring more in, a purging, so to speak, must take place. It's not that I'm attached to the "stuff", I mean I'm not a hoarder or anything, but like I said I just don't like to change things all that much.

However, I'm starting to realize more and more that I like this change. My husband is someone who embraces change pretty well. I remember many times throughout our apartment living he would get a wild hair on his head and just change up the layout of the living room or bedroom. After I saw the change, I liked it, but I was always reluctant at first. (Sorry honey)

These days, we are changing our old bedroom to the new bedroom and emptying out the baby's room, for what's to come. We are starting to think about and ponder our lifestyle changes and wondering how to make all the necessary adjustments for this new person in our lives.

I figure the more I start to embrace the little changes, the easier it will be for me to embrace the bigger ones. Because I can imagine as this girl grows up, there are only going to be bigger changes taking place in her life AND ours, internal and external struggles with which to cope and less time to worry about them than I ever deemed imaginable.

It's all going to be fine though.

I never wanted this change more than any I've ever had before.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Checking in!

So, it's Wednesday and what a crazy week we've had so far! With Earthquakes and Snowstorms, is it just me or does it feel like the world is just one chaotic mess sometimes?! I didn't feel the earthquake last night, although some people at work were talking about it.
I'm surprised I didn't though, because I woke up at least 3-4 times last night, tossing and turning and waking in and out of bad dreams. It was not pleasant.

Well, today I had another appointment and I am currently 23.5 weeks along. Can I just say how much I'm loving being pregnant so far? What took me so long to do this? I'm starting to feel more movement these days which is great. I can't wait until Matt is able to feel the baby kick too. I feel her a lot after I eat or shift around.
This past weekend we registered at Babies R Us and now I think we are about done. I have a good idea of what we're going to buy and how the baby's room will look.
I have been hesitant to share much about my idea's for the nursery, but I don't mean for it to be a secret. I just wanted to be POSITIVE that's what I wanted. Things are starting to fall into place now so I feel comfortable sharing the details.
We are doing a music-themed nursery, which, if you know me and you know Matt, makes total sense. He and I have been going to concerts and collecting music since we were probably in the single digits and can't wait to share this part of ourselves with the little one. I know where I get my love of music too, from my parents. One of my earliest memories is of listening to records with my Dad, putting on those big jumbo headphones and getting lost in a Led Zeppelin, Elton John, Heart or Pat Benetar record. Those are very vivid memories for me and I want to instill the love and passion for music in my children that I have. Matt and I have collected and framed a lot of music posters over the years and those will be hung on the walls. I also just purchased a wall hanging from Etsy that includes French nursery rhymes so we'll be hanging that up as well. We have a few other ideas here and there that may or may not work, but the main idea is for our daughter to have music surrounding her and in life from day one. I can't wait to get to work!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Birthday Wishes

I'm sure we were all told as children that it's bad luck to tell your birthday wishes when you blow out your candles.
I'm not a kid anymore, and I'm not afraid. I want to share this time.

This year I wish:

1. For all my friends who are still looking for jobs or struggling with unemployment to find their dream job this year and for all their struggles to end.
2. For the health of all my friends and family, may we all continue to live in peace.
3. For my husband and me as we begin this journey of parenthood, may God guide us and lead us along the way and give us strength in the difficult times, and may we be the best parents to that little girl and shower her with all the love she deserves.
4. For a smooth transition and the courage to move back into my duties in my career as I know leaving her will be so so hard. I don't want to think about that part right now. :)
5. For the people I have lost touch with to know that I miss them and love them very much and if I could hold you all near much more often, I would. And for those who have lost touch with me to know that I am always here with open arms.

May I always know how blessed I am and never forget it for one single second.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Every week, there is a little poem or inscription at the end of my weekly pregnancy emails from Mothering Magazine. I thought I'd share this week's edition. It is hard for me not to be moved to tears each time I receive these:

This baby moves inside me now
Sending messages at night-
Morse code
About life on the inside:
It is dark
But warm and quiet
With only muffled echoes softly pleading,
Wake up, little one.
I want to know you're in there,
Happy and safe.
Answers come again-
A sudden flutter-
Secret lyrics of song with no rhythm.
Played with hands and feet.

Someday I will hear the song again-
A high-pitched, quick and breathy humming.
I will teach her that she's been singing that old song forever,
And reach out for little splayed hands
That have long since held my heart.

By Yvette Benavides

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Moving right along...

Well, here we are, into February already. Can you believe it?!

In two days it will be my 33rd birthday and I can't believe THAT either!

Things are going pretty good in my world right now, can't really complain. I had an amazing weekend spent with family, friends and my dear husband. Over the weekend, I was treated to dinner and lunch on two separate occasions, saw 2 shows and got to see the new (well, I guess it's not so new anymore) Modern Wing at the Art Institute yesterday. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty action-packed but incredibly fun weekend.

This weekend I hope to do more registering and getting a better grip on what we need for the baby. I was blessed with a HUGE box of baby clothes/shoes/socks from my dear friend Stephanie ( and had so much fun looking through everything yesterday and imagining my daughter wearing her daughter's hand-me-downs. It's bittersweet for me because Steph and I have been friends since we were literally 5 years old and to think my little girl and hers will have worn the same clothes just melts my heart. Especially considering all the clothes & shoe swapping she and I have done over the years!!! Thanks Steph-you are so amazing.

As for what else we need, I am a bit overwhelmed by all that goes into getting a baby's room ready-but I think that once we have the room cleared out for what stays and what goes, I'll be able to determine how much we really need. I was debating the idea of a co-sleeper next to my bed for when baby needs to nurse at night, but I'm not sure it's worth getting since we won't need it for very long. But I did read somewhere that it makes the baby transition better from your womb to the outside world when you keep them confined to a smaller space vs. a massive crib from the get-go. Another item we are toying with is the changing table. I would love to get a changing table/dresser combo that serves two purposes, but have not come across many that are very reasonably priced. Real estate is not going to be easy to come by in our nursery so we'll have to cut corners somewhere. I also think I really want a rocking chair for the room, but after the kids grow up and are older, what am I going to do with a rocker? Sell it I suppose.
I know we need to search more diligently on Craigslist but every time I look I don't see anything I like....sigh.
Welp, not much else is new and exciting in my life. Just thought I'd post an update since it had been awhile. I need to start incorporating pictures into my posts soon so maybe once we get the baby's room done I will have more visual accompaniments to my posts. Until then, enjoy your week everyone!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Where I'm coming from and where I'm going

So I don't know if this happens to bloggers who post on the regular, but I've started coming up with ideas for blogs as I lie in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.

Last night I thought about the forum I recently joined since I became pregnant, it's a forum for pregnant women, and you can join the forum specific to the month you are due.

I am due in June, so I am in the June mommas club.

The other day, one of the gals mentioned something about feeling really old and how she felt like she was the oldest one of the bunch. Thinking to myself, there is no way she can be the oldest, because I DEFINITELY feel like the oldest in that group. She mentioned she was turning 28. I told the group I was 32 going on 33. My thoughts were confirmed. I am the oldest.However, the youngest in this group is 18, as far as I know. Which got me to thinking about age and how it's just a number and what does it all mean?
At 18, I remember starting college, being away from home for the very first time. Life was an adventure, the world was at my feet. I went through many transitional phases in college and learned a lot about who I was. Could I have raised a child at that age? Sure. Was I mentally prepared for that challenge? Not at all. After college I moved back home for awhile, interning in Chicago and hoping for a full-time job so I could move out there. At 23, I finally had enough money saved after living with my parents to put down a deposit on an apartment and move out to the big city. Soon after that, my boyfriend (now husband) moved in with me and all was right with the world. Soon after September 11th, I lost my full time job at the show where I was working and the world felt incomplete and uncertain. Knowing that at 24, I still had a lot of opportunities ahead of me, I trudged on, looking towards the future for what lies ahead. I ended up getting my job back (a different position was offered and it was much better than the one I had previously) and I ended up staying there until 2003, or age 26. After the show ended, I worked a few odd jobs here and there, freelancing in the city but something felt incomplete. I didn't feel right moving from job to job, I wanted something more substantial and steady without having to work 12-16 hour days on a shoot. It was about this time that I started feeling restless (not in a bad way) in my relationship with my boyfriend. I knew I wanted to get married someday, but when? I always told Matt that I wanted to get my career in check and have something to be proud of before I took that leap. And if I didn't always say it directly, he definitely knew it. It wasn't until one night when we were watching The Bachelor when I made a comment about how we'd probably never get married, huh? That was all it took. Matt knew right away that it was time, and while he had been ready and willing all along, it was me who was dragging my feet, waiting for all these imaginary ducks to file in a row. So, at 27, we took the leap and tied the knot.
After that I started a new career in advertising and really started to feel that things were aligning for me. After working my way up the ladder and landing a decent position, Matt's job was also going good and we were starting to really settle into life in the big city with having a little bit more money in our pockets to spend. I knew that one day we would probably start a family, but I was in no hurry. I never had a feeling like, I might be 30 soon, I better do this! It wasn't until soon after 30 that I started seriously thinking about where this was all going. After Matt and I got back from Paris we started talking about it a bit more and trying to figure out when a good time might be to start a family. In Sept. of 2008 I lost my job and more thoughts of "Where is this all going?" ensued. I don't know when the light bulb finally clicked for me that you don't need to "have it all" to actually live by that philosophy, but when I pictured our lives together, I always saw them eventually with children by our sides. Thinking about growing old with no memories of raising a family made me feel sad. So when we finally started trying I knew that this was right, and while it may not have been the ideal right time and perfect moment in our lives, would there ever be?
Which brings me back to the women on the forum.
I don't know their life stories or what made them decide they were ready to raise a family, and at what age. But know for me, 18, 24, 26, those times were not right for me. All the living I did and experiences I have had, have shaped me up to this point. While someone else might have thought 22 was the ideal age to "grow up" and be a parent, for another, they might have needed to tour around with rock bands, go to Europe, have a few amazing jobs and go away to Vegas on a whim. It doesn't make me any less deserving or sincere that I'm the oldest in the group, or that I want this any less. Maybe it just means that my children will just have to sit through more stories of what Mommy and Daddy's lives were like before they were born. Lord knows I have a million saved up and ready to be told.... :)

Monday, January 18, 2010

20 weeks.

So, we are officially at the halfway point of this pregnancy and I cannot believe how fast it's going.

I feel like it was just yesterday I was peeing on a stick and trying to determine if that faint 2nd line was really a positive sign or not! It's crazy to me that soon I will get to meet my daughter. And yes, we did recently find out "it" was a "she"!!! (I can't believe it myself sometimes.)

The ultrasound was so amazing, words cannot describe how awesome it is to watch life growing inside of you. The tech took her time showing us all the different organs and body parts and sent us home with some ultrasound photos as a keepsake. I still catch myself shaking my head in awe that this little person is inside of me right now as I stare at her little head, legs and feet!

We are getting ready in the next couple of weeks to start rearranging the bedrooms so we can work on a nursery in the smaller room for baby. We are already starting to receive clothes and some toys as gifts, so it's time we found a good place to put them! I also started a registry at Target for a few things. We also want to take a drive out to Babies 'R' Us to look at cribs, changing tables, dressers, etc. From there we should be able to see in person what styles we like and don't like. If we don't end up getting anything there I may end up going with a crib I like from Target. It's from their Dwell Studio which is very modern and hip and will go right along with all of our modern furniture. We were going to paint the bedroom but now I think we've decided we might just stick to cool artwork and designs for the walls and leave the room color as is.
Today I started feeling the baby move around even more than before. Previously I was just feeling twitches and slight movement. Today it almost felt like tumbling or rolling. I also experienced last night what I believe to be Braxton Hicks contractions. I did some reading up on this and apparently they can start around 20 weeks. I felt very tight and uncomfortable in my stomach and had to hold onto Matt while it was happening. I did not know what a contraction would feel like but I'm pretty sure that was it. The books all said it is your body's way of getting ready for childbirth, almost like a "practice contraction." Anyway, it didn't really hurt too bad, just felt very strange!!
So...other than that, not really too much else to update. This past weekend we went home to see my Dad for his birthday and had dinner at a really great restaurant in Valpo, called The Dish. It was so yummy! On Sunday we went to church with my parents and the Mass was very moving as the Gospel focused on the wedding in Cana where Jesus turned the water into wine. We also got to renew our vows along with all the other couples in the middle of Mass, and looking around at all that was happening, I was again overcome with emotion. I love my husband so much. I can see the love in his eyes too. We are truly lucky to have each other.

I also want to make mention of the people in Haiti and all they are going through. I hope relief comes soon for these people. They are facing severe devastation. I watch the news and see their plight and I can't help but feel extremely thankful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I became overwhelmed this morning with all I have and again was brought to tears.

I even almost started crying last night during the Golden Globes when "Up" won best Animated Feature because they played the theme music when the director/creator/whatever went up to the stage to accept his award. Sometimes it doesn't take much to set me off...sigh...that movie!!

Ok anyway, I should sign off for now. Hope everyone has a great week.


Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy New Year!

Hello dear readers!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's and is all refreshed and ready to kick off 2010!

We celebrated with some friends, kept it low-key, but I still stayed up later than I intended to. However, hubby and I slept in a good bit on Friday and basically relaxed that day. Saturday we rant some errands and had lunch at the Olive Garden (I got a gift card for Christmas). I was craving those breadsticks and salad so we had to go sooner than later. LOL.

After that, we headed over the adjacent mall for some shopping. We didn't have anything to return this year but I wanted to look for some maternity pants at the Kohl's over there because I was down to one pair of jeans that fit me and work pants that left me basically wincing in pain every time I sat down. I had been sort of reluctant to buy these up to this point because of how ridiculous they looked but little did I know, MATERNITY PANTS ARE A REVELATION!!!!!!!
Wow. Aside from the amusing fact that they only come in S, M, L and the variations of Extra-small or large at that, I managed to find a pair that works. The funny thing is, I'm a small in one pair and a medium in the other. The best part about these pants is NO BUTTONS OR ZIPPERS, I just pull 'em up and off I go! They're actually quite hilarious. Matt was making fun of me because he was getting his stretchy-pants on last night to relax in and he was like, no fair, you've been in yours all day! I can tell you I will be wearing the hell out of these things until it's time for normal clothes again. Love.

Other than that, not much else happened this weekend. I did experience one minor mood swing that I can laugh about now, but at the time really bugged me. I kept reading in my baby books about how your mood can change during pregnancy and you can cry at the drop of a hat. Up to this point, that had not been my experience (aside from the typical TV show or commercial which I thought everyone cried at). Well, the other day, my cat decided to rest on my lap for awhile, for a short while, then decided he had had enough. Now if you know my cat, you know that when he gets in that evil mood, just get him out of your sight as quickly as possible. Well, I was not so quick this time. He scratched my arm in like 5 different places, drawing blood and I swear hitting every vein. It hurt!! I started crying from the pain, from having a mean cat, from who knows what. But now looking back, I'm thinking, I've been hurt by him before and didn't start bawling, why now? Of course, the hormones. That must be it.

Other than that, I've just been trying to eat healthy (Thanks Dr. Oz!), sleep plenty and try not to stress out. I really love to sleep on my back and stomach too, and these days it's been harder and harder to do. This sleeping on your side business has never been my favorite. Ah well.
It's all gonna be worth it in the end, right?