Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Anxious, worried, stressed...shall I continue?

So as most of you have heard, I lost my job recently. This came as not too big of a surprise, as I had been sensing that layoffs were imminent and going to happen soon. I just didn't know when.
What I didn't know, was that on the day my grandmother passed away, I would get the call only hours later from my boss telling me that I had to be "let go."
It's a drag hearing those words, knowing that you really didn't do anything to cause you to lose your job.
All I can do now is try and find something, and fast. Luckily I have my severance but still, I am trying to live as if I didn't.
In the long run I'm sure this won't hurt too bad, as I know there are jobs to be had and I know that I will be okay. It will just sting for a while.
I have always been a person who likes to map out my life and think I can keep control of it all.
But lately, I'm feeling a loss of control about a lot of things. I need to stop and take inventory of my life and where I'm at, and sometimes what I discover does not please me very much.
Of course I've been watching a lot (well, not a LOT but some) TV during my time off. A lot of the talk has been about the current financial crisis. That is NOT something a person who is unemployed wants to hear or read about. I know it's reality, but it's like just adding another 3-5 inches on an already snowy ground. I get it. I know times are tough. And there are plenty who have it worse than me. But I can't help just feeling so helpless.
I am lucky to have a spouse, a support system, and all that. But I just feel like a failure most of the time. I think if I only had taken more risks, stop trying to play everything so safe, maybe I'd be in a better place right now. I am the type of person who likes stability, who would stay at one job her whole career if given the opportunity. Unfortunately, times are different and that type of job doesn't really exist. At least I haven't found it yet.
I want to be in a different place right now, but I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I just feel that starting over at age 31 is not at all an ideal situation. And I realize that others are starting over at an even older age. I had this dream and still do of being a mom one day, I just want to have that experience like everyone else. I want to have that ideal life of a family and a work life, and vacations and all that stuff that goes along with a satisfying life. Right now I cannot see that ever happening for me. I see that I must have made wrong turns somewhere along the line, and I did think I had lost focus, but I must have, or this wouldn't be happening. I don't know, maybe I am destined for a different life. Maybe I was meant to just crank out work all my life and never have all those other experiences. I am meant to be chasing the next best thing instead of settling for what I have. Will I ever be fully content? I think I want different things than someone else sometimes, and I'm trying to be vague here but it really hurts when your goals are different than they should be.
Ugh, I'm not sure when I'll get out of this funk either. I try to explain it to people but then they are all going through their crap too, so they can't be expected to understand.
What I need is NOT to be sitting around the house all day, making these self-loathing posts. I need to be bringing in some money and not dwell on the past, but on making the future better.
It will probably just take some time, but I feel as if for now, I'm taking a step back instead of forward...