Lately I've been having these thoughts of just not being good enough.
I am guilty of comparing myself to others at times and taking a good hard look at what I'm doing or where I"m going vs. where others may be.
I know everyone's different and I shouldn't do this but sometimes I just can't help it.
A few people I know are pregnant right now as well.
They have names picked out and cribs set up, and rooms all ready. And then there's me.
I want to be like that, so prepared and planned. I usually AM that way. But for some reason I feel like I'm falling behind on so many things. I had no idea there was so much to prepare for and plan for and calls to make and classes to attend and shall I continue?!
It's definitely harder when you have a full time job to do all of this, but I think I manage.
Sometimes though, I compare myself and feel like I'm falling short. I just want to be the best I can at this, and I'm hoping my procrastination and slacker- tendencies is not a sign of things to come.
Last week I attended a seminar on vaccinations. It's the first of several classes I wish to take on childcare, including breastfeeding and the general childbirth classes we will take at the hospital.
I know how many friends feel about vaccinations and their safety, etc. but I just have to know what is right for ME and my child. I walked away from that seminar feeling very prepared for what shots babies receive and when and how much. I don't think I'm going to turn away every vaccine at every chance I get. It might be okay if I was staying at home with the baby all day, keeping her free from harm's way, but that is not the reality that I live in. My child will need to attend day care, and be around other babies and children who may potentially get her sick and vice versa. I struggle with this because I want to do what's right, but I also need to see the bigger picture too. Anyway, I feel that going to this seminar at least gets me up to speed and informs me on what choices I do have, and that was important for me.
I don't know, I guess I've been struggling a lot lately with comparisons and being good enough. One of my cousins who I hardly ever see, unfortunately because we do not live close by, gave me some good advice-she said "Trust your instincts" and "Do what YOU feel is right." I know I needed to hear that, because I need to listen to that inner voice more and know that we are all different, and the way we do things is not all the same. I've been told so many different opinions from various people about what to do and what not to do, and I just can't hear it anymore. (Unless I ask for the advice, LOL!) We can't expect every person we know to be the same, and do things the way we do them, and so I am just going to trust my gut and go with what I feel is right. For EVERY major decision that I have coming up in these next 3 months, and for the rest of my child's pre-adult life.
Sigh. I hope I can do it.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Embracing Change
I don't embrace change well, in case you didn't know that about me.
Being content with the way things are, however unorganized or out of place, I tend to just go with the flow and try not to stir the pot too much.
However, I have a baby coming, and this time, CHANGE is inevitable.
The first changes we are experiencing in our house are the changing of rooms, making room for baby. After living this way with just two people for SO long, you really come to realize how much stuff you accumulate and how much you hold onto, however unnecessary. The things that are taking up space in my home and in my life, are sometimes hard to say goodbye to, but I know in my heart they must be done. In order to bring more in, a purging, so to speak, must take place. It's not that I'm attached to the "stuff", I mean I'm not a hoarder or anything, but like I said I just don't like to change things all that much.
However, I'm starting to realize more and more that I like this change. My husband is someone who embraces change pretty well. I remember many times throughout our apartment living he would get a wild hair on his head and just change up the layout of the living room or bedroom. After I saw the change, I liked it, but I was always reluctant at first. (Sorry honey)
These days, we are changing our old bedroom to the new bedroom and emptying out the baby's room, for what's to come. We are starting to think about and ponder our lifestyle changes and wondering how to make all the necessary adjustments for this new person in our lives.
I figure the more I start to embrace the little changes, the easier it will be for me to embrace the bigger ones. Because I can imagine as this girl grows up, there are only going to be bigger changes taking place in her life AND ours, internal and external struggles with which to cope and less time to worry about them than I ever deemed imaginable.
It's all going to be fine though.
I never wanted this change more than any I've ever had before.
Being content with the way things are, however unorganized or out of place, I tend to just go with the flow and try not to stir the pot too much.
However, I have a baby coming, and this time, CHANGE is inevitable.
The first changes we are experiencing in our house are the changing of rooms, making room for baby. After living this way with just two people for SO long, you really come to realize how much stuff you accumulate and how much you hold onto, however unnecessary. The things that are taking up space in my home and in my life, are sometimes hard to say goodbye to, but I know in my heart they must be done. In order to bring more in, a purging, so to speak, must take place. It's not that I'm attached to the "stuff", I mean I'm not a hoarder or anything, but like I said I just don't like to change things all that much.
However, I'm starting to realize more and more that I like this change. My husband is someone who embraces change pretty well. I remember many times throughout our apartment living he would get a wild hair on his head and just change up the layout of the living room or bedroom. After I saw the change, I liked it, but I was always reluctant at first. (Sorry honey)
These days, we are changing our old bedroom to the new bedroom and emptying out the baby's room, for what's to come. We are starting to think about and ponder our lifestyle changes and wondering how to make all the necessary adjustments for this new person in our lives.
I figure the more I start to embrace the little changes, the easier it will be for me to embrace the bigger ones. Because I can imagine as this girl grows up, there are only going to be bigger changes taking place in her life AND ours, internal and external struggles with which to cope and less time to worry about them than I ever deemed imaginable.
It's all going to be fine though.
I never wanted this change more than any I've ever had before.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Checking in!
So, it's Wednesday and what a crazy week we've had so far! With Earthquakes and Snowstorms, is it just me or does it feel like the world is just one chaotic mess sometimes?! I didn't feel the earthquake last night, although some people at work were talking about it.
I'm surprised I didn't though, because I woke up at least 3-4 times last night, tossing and turning and waking in and out of bad dreams. It was not pleasant.
Well, today I had another appointment and I am currently 23.5 weeks along. Can I just say how much I'm loving being pregnant so far? What took me so long to do this? I'm starting to feel more movement these days which is great. I can't wait until Matt is able to feel the baby kick too. I feel her a lot after I eat or shift around.
This past weekend we registered at Babies R Us and now I think we are about done. I have a good idea of what we're going to buy and how the baby's room will look.
I have been hesitant to share much about my idea's for the nursery, but I don't mean for it to be a secret. I just wanted to be POSITIVE that's what I wanted. Things are starting to fall into place now so I feel comfortable sharing the details.
We are doing a music-themed nursery, which, if you know me and you know Matt, makes total sense. He and I have been going to concerts and collecting music since we were probably in the single digits and can't wait to share this part of ourselves with the little one. I know where I get my love of music too, from my parents. One of my earliest memories is of listening to records with my Dad, putting on those big jumbo headphones and getting lost in a Led Zeppelin, Elton John, Heart or Pat Benetar record. Those are very vivid memories for me and I want to instill the love and passion for music in my children that I have. Matt and I have collected and framed a lot of music posters over the years and those will be hung on the walls. I also just purchased a wall hanging from Etsy that includes French nursery rhymes so we'll be hanging that up as well. We have a few other ideas here and there that may or may not work, but the main idea is for our daughter to have music surrounding her and in life from day one. I can't wait to get to work!
I'm surprised I didn't though, because I woke up at least 3-4 times last night, tossing and turning and waking in and out of bad dreams. It was not pleasant.
Well, today I had another appointment and I am currently 23.5 weeks along. Can I just say how much I'm loving being pregnant so far? What took me so long to do this? I'm starting to feel more movement these days which is great. I can't wait until Matt is able to feel the baby kick too. I feel her a lot after I eat or shift around.
This past weekend we registered at Babies R Us and now I think we are about done. I have a good idea of what we're going to buy and how the baby's room will look.
I have been hesitant to share much about my idea's for the nursery, but I don't mean for it to be a secret. I just wanted to be POSITIVE that's what I wanted. Things are starting to fall into place now so I feel comfortable sharing the details.
We are doing a music-themed nursery, which, if you know me and you know Matt, makes total sense. He and I have been going to concerts and collecting music since we were probably in the single digits and can't wait to share this part of ourselves with the little one. I know where I get my love of music too, from my parents. One of my earliest memories is of listening to records with my Dad, putting on those big jumbo headphones and getting lost in a Led Zeppelin, Elton John, Heart or Pat Benetar record. Those are very vivid memories for me and I want to instill the love and passion for music in my children that I have. Matt and I have collected and framed a lot of music posters over the years and those will be hung on the walls. I also just purchased a wall hanging from Etsy that includes French nursery rhymes so we'll be hanging that up as well. We have a few other ideas here and there that may or may not work, but the main idea is for our daughter to have music surrounding her and in life from day one. I can't wait to get to work!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Birthday Wishes
I'm sure we were all told as children that it's bad luck to tell your birthday wishes when you blow out your candles.
I'm not a kid anymore, and I'm not afraid. I want to share this time.
This year I wish:
1. For all my friends who are still looking for jobs or struggling with unemployment to find their dream job this year and for all their struggles to end.
2. For the health of all my friends and family, may we all continue to live in peace.
3. For my husband and me as we begin this journey of parenthood, may God guide us and lead us along the way and give us strength in the difficult times, and may we be the best parents to that little girl and shower her with all the love she deserves.
4. For a smooth transition and the courage to move back into my duties in my career as I know leaving her will be so so hard. I don't want to think about that part right now. :)
5. For the people I have lost touch with to know that I miss them and love them very much and if I could hold you all near much more often, I would. And for those who have lost touch with me to know that I am always here with open arms.
May I always know how blessed I am and never forget it for one single second.
I'm not a kid anymore, and I'm not afraid. I want to share this time.
This year I wish:
1. For all my friends who are still looking for jobs or struggling with unemployment to find their dream job this year and for all their struggles to end.
2. For the health of all my friends and family, may we all continue to live in peace.
3. For my husband and me as we begin this journey of parenthood, may God guide us and lead us along the way and give us strength in the difficult times, and may we be the best parents to that little girl and shower her with all the love she deserves.
4. For a smooth transition and the courage to move back into my duties in my career as I know leaving her will be so so hard. I don't want to think about that part right now. :)
5. For the people I have lost touch with to know that I miss them and love them very much and if I could hold you all near much more often, I would. And for those who have lost touch with me to know that I am always here with open arms.
May I always know how blessed I am and never forget it for one single second.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Quickening
Every week, there is a little poem or inscription at the end of my weekly pregnancy emails from Mothering Magazine. I thought I'd share this week's edition. It is hard for me not to be moved to tears each time I receive these:
Quickening
This baby moves inside me now
Sending messages at night-
Morse code
About life on the inside:
It is dark
But warm and quiet
With only muffled echoes softly pleading,
Wake up, little one.
I want to know you're in there,
Happy and safe.
Answers come again-
A sudden flutter-
Secret lyrics of song with no rhythm.
Played with hands and feet.
Someday I will hear the song again-
A high-pitched, quick and breathy humming.
I will teach her that she's been singing that old song forever,
And reach out for little splayed hands
That have long since held my heart.
By Yvette Benavides
Quickening
This baby moves inside me now
Sending messages at night-
Morse code
About life on the inside:
It is dark
But warm and quiet
With only muffled echoes softly pleading,
Wake up, little one.
I want to know you're in there,
Happy and safe.
Answers come again-
A sudden flutter-
Secret lyrics of song with no rhythm.
Played with hands and feet.
Someday I will hear the song again-
A high-pitched, quick and breathy humming.
I will teach her that she's been singing that old song forever,
And reach out for little splayed hands
That have long since held my heart.
By Yvette Benavides
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Moving right along...
Well, here we are, into February already. Can you believe it?!
In two days it will be my 33rd birthday and I can't believe THAT either!
Things are going pretty good in my world right now, can't really complain. I had an amazing weekend spent with family, friends and my dear husband. Over the weekend, I was treated to dinner and lunch on two separate occasions, saw 2 shows and got to see the new (well, I guess it's not so new anymore) Modern Wing at the Art Institute yesterday. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty action-packed but incredibly fun weekend.
This weekend I hope to do more registering and getting a better grip on what we need for the baby. I was blessed with a HUGE box of baby clothes/shoes/socks from my dear friend Stephanie (www.adventuresinbabywearing.com) and had so much fun looking through everything yesterday and imagining my daughter wearing her daughter's hand-me-downs. It's bittersweet for me because Steph and I have been friends since we were literally 5 years old and to think my little girl and hers will have worn the same clothes just melts my heart. Especially considering all the clothes & shoe swapping she and I have done over the years!!! Thanks Steph-you are so amazing.
As for what else we need, I am a bit overwhelmed by all that goes into getting a baby's room ready-but I think that once we have the room cleared out for what stays and what goes, I'll be able to determine how much we really need. I was debating the idea of a co-sleeper next to my bed for when baby needs to nurse at night, but I'm not sure it's worth getting since we won't need it for very long. But I did read somewhere that it makes the baby transition better from your womb to the outside world when you keep them confined to a smaller space vs. a massive crib from the get-go. Another item we are toying with is the changing table. I would love to get a changing table/dresser combo that serves two purposes, but have not come across many that are very reasonably priced. Real estate is not going to be easy to come by in our nursery so we'll have to cut corners somewhere. I also think I really want a rocking chair for the room, but after the kids grow up and are older, what am I going to do with a rocker? Sell it I suppose.
I know we need to search more diligently on Craigslist but every time I look I don't see anything I like....sigh.
Welp, not much else is new and exciting in my life. Just thought I'd post an update since it had been awhile. I need to start incorporating pictures into my posts soon so maybe once we get the baby's room done I will have more visual accompaniments to my posts. Until then, enjoy your week everyone!!
J
In two days it will be my 33rd birthday and I can't believe THAT either!
Things are going pretty good in my world right now, can't really complain. I had an amazing weekend spent with family, friends and my dear husband. Over the weekend, I was treated to dinner and lunch on two separate occasions, saw 2 shows and got to see the new (well, I guess it's not so new anymore) Modern Wing at the Art Institute yesterday. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty action-packed but incredibly fun weekend.
This weekend I hope to do more registering and getting a better grip on what we need for the baby. I was blessed with a HUGE box of baby clothes/shoes/socks from my dear friend Stephanie (www.adventuresinbabywearing.com) and had so much fun looking through everything yesterday and imagining my daughter wearing her daughter's hand-me-downs. It's bittersweet for me because Steph and I have been friends since we were literally 5 years old and to think my little girl and hers will have worn the same clothes just melts my heart. Especially considering all the clothes & shoe swapping she and I have done over the years!!! Thanks Steph-you are so amazing.
As for what else we need, I am a bit overwhelmed by all that goes into getting a baby's room ready-but I think that once we have the room cleared out for what stays and what goes, I'll be able to determine how much we really need. I was debating the idea of a co-sleeper next to my bed for when baby needs to nurse at night, but I'm not sure it's worth getting since we won't need it for very long. But I did read somewhere that it makes the baby transition better from your womb to the outside world when you keep them confined to a smaller space vs. a massive crib from the get-go. Another item we are toying with is the changing table. I would love to get a changing table/dresser combo that serves two purposes, but have not come across many that are very reasonably priced. Real estate is not going to be easy to come by in our nursery so we'll have to cut corners somewhere. I also think I really want a rocking chair for the room, but after the kids grow up and are older, what am I going to do with a rocker? Sell it I suppose.
I know we need to search more diligently on Craigslist but every time I look I don't see anything I like....sigh.
Welp, not much else is new and exciting in my life. Just thought I'd post an update since it had been awhile. I need to start incorporating pictures into my posts soon so maybe once we get the baby's room done I will have more visual accompaniments to my posts. Until then, enjoy your week everyone!!
J
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Where I'm coming from and where I'm going
So I don't know if this happens to bloggers who post on the regular, but I've started coming up with ideas for blogs as I lie in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.
Last night I thought about the forum I recently joined since I became pregnant, it's a forum for pregnant women, and you can join the forum specific to the month you are due.
I am due in June, so I am in the June mommas club.
The other day, one of the gals mentioned something about feeling really old and how she felt like she was the oldest one of the bunch. Thinking to myself, there is no way she can be the oldest, because I DEFINITELY feel like the oldest in that group. She mentioned she was turning 28. I told the group I was 32 going on 33. My thoughts were confirmed. I am the oldest.However, the youngest in this group is 18, as far as I know. Which got me to thinking about age and how it's just a number and what does it all mean?
At 18, I remember starting college, being away from home for the very first time. Life was an adventure, the world was at my feet. I went through many transitional phases in college and learned a lot about who I was. Could I have raised a child at that age? Sure. Was I mentally prepared for that challenge? Not at all. After college I moved back home for awhile, interning in Chicago and hoping for a full-time job so I could move out there. At 23, I finally had enough money saved after living with my parents to put down a deposit on an apartment and move out to the big city. Soon after that, my boyfriend (now husband) moved in with me and all was right with the world. Soon after September 11th, I lost my full time job at the show where I was working and the world felt incomplete and uncertain. Knowing that at 24, I still had a lot of opportunities ahead of me, I trudged on, looking towards the future for what lies ahead. I ended up getting my job back (a different position was offered and it was much better than the one I had previously) and I ended up staying there until 2003, or age 26. After the show ended, I worked a few odd jobs here and there, freelancing in the city but something felt incomplete. I didn't feel right moving from job to job, I wanted something more substantial and steady without having to work 12-16 hour days on a shoot. It was about this time that I started feeling restless (not in a bad way) in my relationship with my boyfriend. I knew I wanted to get married someday, but when? I always told Matt that I wanted to get my career in check and have something to be proud of before I took that leap. And if I didn't always say it directly, he definitely knew it. It wasn't until one night when we were watching The Bachelor when I made a comment about how we'd probably never get married, huh? That was all it took. Matt knew right away that it was time, and while he had been ready and willing all along, it was me who was dragging my feet, waiting for all these imaginary ducks to file in a row. So, at 27, we took the leap and tied the knot.
After that I started a new career in advertising and really started to feel that things were aligning for me. After working my way up the ladder and landing a decent position, Matt's job was also going good and we were starting to really settle into life in the big city with having a little bit more money in our pockets to spend. I knew that one day we would probably start a family, but I was in no hurry. I never had a feeling like, I might be 30 soon, I better do this! It wasn't until soon after 30 that I started seriously thinking about where this was all going. After Matt and I got back from Paris we started talking about it a bit more and trying to figure out when a good time might be to start a family. In Sept. of 2008 I lost my job and more thoughts of "Where is this all going?" ensued. I don't know when the light bulb finally clicked for me that you don't need to "have it all" to actually live by that philosophy, but when I pictured our lives together, I always saw them eventually with children by our sides. Thinking about growing old with no memories of raising a family made me feel sad. So when we finally started trying I knew that this was right, and while it may not have been the ideal right time and perfect moment in our lives, would there ever be?
Which brings me back to the women on the forum.
I don't know their life stories or what made them decide they were ready to raise a family, and at what age. But know for me, 18, 24, 26, those times were not right for me. All the living I did and experiences I have had, have shaped me up to this point. While someone else might have thought 22 was the ideal age to "grow up" and be a parent, for another, they might have needed to tour around with rock bands, go to Europe, have a few amazing jobs and go away to Vegas on a whim. It doesn't make me any less deserving or sincere that I'm the oldest in the group, or that I want this any less. Maybe it just means that my children will just have to sit through more stories of what Mommy and Daddy's lives were like before they were born. Lord knows I have a million saved up and ready to be told.... :)
Last night I thought about the forum I recently joined since I became pregnant, it's a forum for pregnant women, and you can join the forum specific to the month you are due.
I am due in June, so I am in the June mommas club.
The other day, one of the gals mentioned something about feeling really old and how she felt like she was the oldest one of the bunch. Thinking to myself, there is no way she can be the oldest, because I DEFINITELY feel like the oldest in that group. She mentioned she was turning 28. I told the group I was 32 going on 33. My thoughts were confirmed. I am the oldest.However, the youngest in this group is 18, as far as I know. Which got me to thinking about age and how it's just a number and what does it all mean?
At 18, I remember starting college, being away from home for the very first time. Life was an adventure, the world was at my feet. I went through many transitional phases in college and learned a lot about who I was. Could I have raised a child at that age? Sure. Was I mentally prepared for that challenge? Not at all. After college I moved back home for awhile, interning in Chicago and hoping for a full-time job so I could move out there. At 23, I finally had enough money saved after living with my parents to put down a deposit on an apartment and move out to the big city. Soon after that, my boyfriend (now husband) moved in with me and all was right with the world. Soon after September 11th, I lost my full time job at the show where I was working and the world felt incomplete and uncertain. Knowing that at 24, I still had a lot of opportunities ahead of me, I trudged on, looking towards the future for what lies ahead. I ended up getting my job back (a different position was offered and it was much better than the one I had previously) and I ended up staying there until 2003, or age 26. After the show ended, I worked a few odd jobs here and there, freelancing in the city but something felt incomplete. I didn't feel right moving from job to job, I wanted something more substantial and steady without having to work 12-16 hour days on a shoot. It was about this time that I started feeling restless (not in a bad way) in my relationship with my boyfriend. I knew I wanted to get married someday, but when? I always told Matt that I wanted to get my career in check and have something to be proud of before I took that leap. And if I didn't always say it directly, he definitely knew it. It wasn't until one night when we were watching The Bachelor when I made a comment about how we'd probably never get married, huh? That was all it took. Matt knew right away that it was time, and while he had been ready and willing all along, it was me who was dragging my feet, waiting for all these imaginary ducks to file in a row. So, at 27, we took the leap and tied the knot.
After that I started a new career in advertising and really started to feel that things were aligning for me. After working my way up the ladder and landing a decent position, Matt's job was also going good and we were starting to really settle into life in the big city with having a little bit more money in our pockets to spend. I knew that one day we would probably start a family, but I was in no hurry. I never had a feeling like, I might be 30 soon, I better do this! It wasn't until soon after 30 that I started seriously thinking about where this was all going. After Matt and I got back from Paris we started talking about it a bit more and trying to figure out when a good time might be to start a family. In Sept. of 2008 I lost my job and more thoughts of "Where is this all going?" ensued. I don't know when the light bulb finally clicked for me that you don't need to "have it all" to actually live by that philosophy, but when I pictured our lives together, I always saw them eventually with children by our sides. Thinking about growing old with no memories of raising a family made me feel sad. So when we finally started trying I knew that this was right, and while it may not have been the ideal right time and perfect moment in our lives, would there ever be?
Which brings me back to the women on the forum.
I don't know their life stories or what made them decide they were ready to raise a family, and at what age. But know for me, 18, 24, 26, those times were not right for me. All the living I did and experiences I have had, have shaped me up to this point. While someone else might have thought 22 was the ideal age to "grow up" and be a parent, for another, they might have needed to tour around with rock bands, go to Europe, have a few amazing jobs and go away to Vegas on a whim. It doesn't make me any less deserving or sincere that I'm the oldest in the group, or that I want this any less. Maybe it just means that my children will just have to sit through more stories of what Mommy and Daddy's lives were like before they were born. Lord knows I have a million saved up and ready to be told.... :)
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