Thursday, January 21, 2010

Where I'm coming from and where I'm going

So I don't know if this happens to bloggers who post on the regular, but I've started coming up with ideas for blogs as I lie in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.

Last night I thought about the forum I recently joined since I became pregnant, it's a forum for pregnant women, and you can join the forum specific to the month you are due.

I am due in June, so I am in the June mommas club.

The other day, one of the gals mentioned something about feeling really old and how she felt like she was the oldest one of the bunch. Thinking to myself, there is no way she can be the oldest, because I DEFINITELY feel like the oldest in that group. She mentioned she was turning 28. I told the group I was 32 going on 33. My thoughts were confirmed. I am the oldest.However, the youngest in this group is 18, as far as I know. Which got me to thinking about age and how it's just a number and what does it all mean?
At 18, I remember starting college, being away from home for the very first time. Life was an adventure, the world was at my feet. I went through many transitional phases in college and learned a lot about who I was. Could I have raised a child at that age? Sure. Was I mentally prepared for that challenge? Not at all. After college I moved back home for awhile, interning in Chicago and hoping for a full-time job so I could move out there. At 23, I finally had enough money saved after living with my parents to put down a deposit on an apartment and move out to the big city. Soon after that, my boyfriend (now husband) moved in with me and all was right with the world. Soon after September 11th, I lost my full time job at the show where I was working and the world felt incomplete and uncertain. Knowing that at 24, I still had a lot of opportunities ahead of me, I trudged on, looking towards the future for what lies ahead. I ended up getting my job back (a different position was offered and it was much better than the one I had previously) and I ended up staying there until 2003, or age 26. After the show ended, I worked a few odd jobs here and there, freelancing in the city but something felt incomplete. I didn't feel right moving from job to job, I wanted something more substantial and steady without having to work 12-16 hour days on a shoot. It was about this time that I started feeling restless (not in a bad way) in my relationship with my boyfriend. I knew I wanted to get married someday, but when? I always told Matt that I wanted to get my career in check and have something to be proud of before I took that leap. And if I didn't always say it directly, he definitely knew it. It wasn't until one night when we were watching The Bachelor when I made a comment about how we'd probably never get married, huh? That was all it took. Matt knew right away that it was time, and while he had been ready and willing all along, it was me who was dragging my feet, waiting for all these imaginary ducks to file in a row. So, at 27, we took the leap and tied the knot.
After that I started a new career in advertising and really started to feel that things were aligning for me. After working my way up the ladder and landing a decent position, Matt's job was also going good and we were starting to really settle into life in the big city with having a little bit more money in our pockets to spend. I knew that one day we would probably start a family, but I was in no hurry. I never had a feeling like, I might be 30 soon, I better do this! It wasn't until soon after 30 that I started seriously thinking about where this was all going. After Matt and I got back from Paris we started talking about it a bit more and trying to figure out when a good time might be to start a family. In Sept. of 2008 I lost my job and more thoughts of "Where is this all going?" ensued. I don't know when the light bulb finally clicked for me that you don't need to "have it all" to actually live by that philosophy, but when I pictured our lives together, I always saw them eventually with children by our sides. Thinking about growing old with no memories of raising a family made me feel sad. So when we finally started trying I knew that this was right, and while it may not have been the ideal right time and perfect moment in our lives, would there ever be?
Which brings me back to the women on the forum.
I don't know their life stories or what made them decide they were ready to raise a family, and at what age. But know for me, 18, 24, 26, those times were not right for me. All the living I did and experiences I have had, have shaped me up to this point. While someone else might have thought 22 was the ideal age to "grow up" and be a parent, for another, they might have needed to tour around with rock bands, go to Europe, have a few amazing jobs and go away to Vegas on a whim. It doesn't make me any less deserving or sincere that I'm the oldest in the group, or that I want this any less. Maybe it just means that my children will just have to sit through more stories of what Mommy and Daddy's lives were like before they were born. Lord knows I have a million saved up and ready to be told.... :)

Monday, January 18, 2010

20 weeks.

So, we are officially at the halfway point of this pregnancy and I cannot believe how fast it's going.

I feel like it was just yesterday I was peeing on a stick and trying to determine if that faint 2nd line was really a positive sign or not! It's crazy to me that soon I will get to meet my daughter. And yes, we did recently find out "it" was a "she"!!! (I can't believe it myself sometimes.)

The ultrasound was so amazing, words cannot describe how awesome it is to watch life growing inside of you. The tech took her time showing us all the different organs and body parts and sent us home with some ultrasound photos as a keepsake. I still catch myself shaking my head in awe that this little person is inside of me right now as I stare at her little head, legs and feet!

We are getting ready in the next couple of weeks to start rearranging the bedrooms so we can work on a nursery in the smaller room for baby. We are already starting to receive clothes and some toys as gifts, so it's time we found a good place to put them! I also started a registry at Target for a few things. We also want to take a drive out to Babies 'R' Us to look at cribs, changing tables, dressers, etc. From there we should be able to see in person what styles we like and don't like. If we don't end up getting anything there I may end up going with a crib I like from Target. It's from their Dwell Studio which is very modern and hip and will go right along with all of our modern furniture. We were going to paint the bedroom but now I think we've decided we might just stick to cool artwork and designs for the walls and leave the room color as is.
Today I started feeling the baby move around even more than before. Previously I was just feeling twitches and slight movement. Today it almost felt like tumbling or rolling. I also experienced last night what I believe to be Braxton Hicks contractions. I did some reading up on this and apparently they can start around 20 weeks. I felt very tight and uncomfortable in my stomach and had to hold onto Matt while it was happening. I did not know what a contraction would feel like but I'm pretty sure that was it. The books all said it is your body's way of getting ready for childbirth, almost like a "practice contraction." Anyway, it didn't really hurt too bad, just felt very strange!!
So...other than that, not really too much else to update. This past weekend we went home to see my Dad for his birthday and had dinner at a really great restaurant in Valpo, called The Dish. It was so yummy! On Sunday we went to church with my parents and the Mass was very moving as the Gospel focused on the wedding in Cana where Jesus turned the water into wine. We also got to renew our vows along with all the other couples in the middle of Mass, and looking around at all that was happening, I was again overcome with emotion. I love my husband so much. I can see the love in his eyes too. We are truly lucky to have each other.

I also want to make mention of the people in Haiti and all they are going through. I hope relief comes soon for these people. They are facing severe devastation. I watch the news and see their plight and I can't help but feel extremely thankful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I became overwhelmed this morning with all I have and again was brought to tears.

I even almost started crying last night during the Golden Globes when "Up" won best Animated Feature because they played the theme music when the director/creator/whatever went up to the stage to accept his award. Sometimes it doesn't take much to set me off...sigh...that movie!!

Ok anyway, I should sign off for now. Hope everyone has a great week.


Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy New Year!

Hello dear readers!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's and is all refreshed and ready to kick off 2010!

We celebrated with some friends, kept it low-key, but I still stayed up later than I intended to. However, hubby and I slept in a good bit on Friday and basically relaxed that day. Saturday we rant some errands and had lunch at the Olive Garden (I got a gift card for Christmas). I was craving those breadsticks and salad so we had to go sooner than later. LOL.

After that, we headed over the adjacent mall for some shopping. We didn't have anything to return this year but I wanted to look for some maternity pants at the Kohl's over there because I was down to one pair of jeans that fit me and work pants that left me basically wincing in pain every time I sat down. I had been sort of reluctant to buy these up to this point because of how ridiculous they looked but little did I know, MATERNITY PANTS ARE A REVELATION!!!!!!!
Wow. Aside from the amusing fact that they only come in S, M, L and the variations of Extra-small or large at that, I managed to find a pair that works. The funny thing is, I'm a small in one pair and a medium in the other. The best part about these pants is NO BUTTONS OR ZIPPERS, I just pull 'em up and off I go! They're actually quite hilarious. Matt was making fun of me because he was getting his stretchy-pants on last night to relax in and he was like, no fair, you've been in yours all day! I can tell you I will be wearing the hell out of these things until it's time for normal clothes again. Love.

Other than that, not much else happened this weekend. I did experience one minor mood swing that I can laugh about now, but at the time really bugged me. I kept reading in my baby books about how your mood can change during pregnancy and you can cry at the drop of a hat. Up to this point, that had not been my experience (aside from the typical TV show or commercial which I thought everyone cried at). Well, the other day, my cat decided to rest on my lap for awhile, for a short while, then decided he had had enough. Now if you know my cat, you know that when he gets in that evil mood, just get him out of your sight as quickly as possible. Well, I was not so quick this time. He scratched my arm in like 5 different places, drawing blood and I swear hitting every vein. It hurt!! I started crying from the pain, from having a mean cat, from who knows what. But now looking back, I'm thinking, I've been hurt by him before and didn't start bawling, why now? Of course, the hormones. That must be it.

Other than that, I've just been trying to eat healthy (Thanks Dr. Oz!), sleep plenty and try not to stress out. I really love to sleep on my back and stomach too, and these days it's been harder and harder to do. This sleeping on your side business has never been my favorite. Ah well.
It's all gonna be worth it in the end, right?